she woke up with a sticky ear
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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