I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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