Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
