What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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