Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
