1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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