Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I will pee on everything he values.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
