She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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