There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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