Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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