Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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