What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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