so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You brought string cheese to the strip club
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize