Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
