guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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