Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
