I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
