I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
