He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
