It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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