You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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