well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
