we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Pants are for mortals
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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