my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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