I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
