Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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