Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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