I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
