So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
