Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
