Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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