lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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