Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
