Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
