my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
