I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
