Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
