she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
