I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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