My Higher Power is John Stamos
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he was CRYING into my vagina
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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