Best friends brother. Beat that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
