I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
