why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
