it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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