im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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