There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
