waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
