why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
