i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
