stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
