if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
