apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
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