You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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