I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
