The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
