I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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