Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dick very happy bro
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
